I found myself in a place I never thought I would reach. Since the age of 12 I felt like I was in a deep dark pit of despair. Watching everyone on the surface living their lives, feeling the sun on their face, and the joy in their hearts. With each passing year, instead of making my way to the light to join the others, I seemed to sink deeper and deeper, until I gave up all hope of ever feeling true happiness again. My body a placeholder amongst everyone else, to protect their conscience, whilst my mind was miles below in the black abyss.
I retired into the comfort of all I have known. Made friends with the shadows. Pulled up a seat for my depression - because watching her hover over in the corner uncomfortably was making anxiety feel restless. They were here to stay, so why not get comfortable? Trauma growing each passing year like a strong old oak tree, his roots intertwining into every aspect of my life. My shadow friends, the ones no one else sees, but have been the only ones to at least be consistent.
Yet, in the last few months I have reached a new place. It was like my shadow friend took their eye off of the ball for a minute, and they left the door open. A door I had never seen before, and there was a glimmer of light on the other side.
The light makes everything look better. In the same way, when you’re a child and the clothes on the chair in the corner of the room appear to be the most evil looking creature in the dark, yet when your parents turn the light on, they return to being a lifeless pile of cloth.
That flicker of light was enough to change my perspective. I turned the light on. Those monsters were a lot smaller and less sinister, and I realised I was the only one who can make this realisation for myself. I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and inner voices. I am not better or cured. I am in limbo.
I could fall back into the shadows, or I might finally have the chance to feel the world of contentment. I will never lose my shadow friends - they would never let me leave them behind after all they have endured with me. However, I am learning their thoughts do not define me. I will feel true happiness again, just give me some time. I’m still in limbo...