Just when you think you’ve had it all…
I have dealt with stress and anxiety in every shape and form I thought possible. I understood it can manifest physically in terms of increased heart rate, lethargy, irritability, nausea etc. What I didn’t know was that your body can produce an allergy response to stress and anxiety. My doctors and dermatologists have been chasing their tails prescribing creams and pills and nothing can stop or even lessen the attacks. My whole body simply breaks out into rashes and sores and my eyes swell. I also get absolutely debilitating headaches at the end of the day from subconsciously clenching my jaw. My whole mind and body are in constant battle and turmoil, fighting each other, and I’m caught in the crossfire. An infinite loop - when I’m anxious or stressed I get a flare up, and subsequently I’m anxious and stressed because of my flare up, and so it goes on. My body continuously betrays me. I’m finding myself in more pain physically and mentally each day.
I keep pushing myself to get through each day because I have to. Because there is no one to catch me if I crumble under the pressure. I feel as though I am treading water each day, fully clothed, with bricks in my pockets. I am exhausted in every conceivable way.
I thought I found my happiness. My happily ever after. My family. It was a mirage, a fantasy, an illusion. So perfect and real I could almost reach out and touch it. Until the veil fell. A castle built on sand, and the tide came in and washed it from beneath my feet before I had chance to call it home.
I fear I will never love again. I cannot stand the thought of baring my soul in the same way to another person. Flaying my own skin, filleting my own insides, and laying every inch of my mind, body and trauma out for another person to inspect to see if I am worthy. To relive the worst moments of my life, simply so they can better understand me and the way I have been conditioned to think or act. To beg forgiveness for the affect actions of others have on my responses. To apologise as I lay shaking and crying from my night terrors or panic attacks, for inconveniencing them with “baggage”. I cannot bare to let another person see the weaknesses that lies beneath.
There are too many conditions and criteria to love. I cannot possibly fathom the idea anymore. I need transparency and straight lines. I need clarity and I cannot find another person that can manage that. Constantly looking for ulterior motives. Trying to look under the masks of others, to see what kind of person truly lies beneath. It is all utterly exhausting. I’m so terrified of making a mistake. Trusting the wrong person and loosing all over again. I need to keep my broken pieces locked away, because if another person gets hold of them and damages them further, it will simply be impossible to put myself back together. So as I always do, I will bandage them up the best I can and hope that it will get me through. Well, what is the alternative…?